Helpless Man
by Reindeergames9000
Summary: When Pepper leaves on a vacation, Tony is a helpless wreck. *HUMOR*
1. Helpless Man

"Pepper?...Pepper?...Pepper?"

"_WHAT _is it now Tony?"

"I...um..."

"Spit it out."

"I need help opening the gummy bear jar."

"I _just _opened that for you!" Pepper said, walking over to Tony and popping open the jar with ease.

"Well, I closed it and needed it opened again." Tony whined.

"*Sigh* I'm taking a shower...And your _not _taking one with me so stop looking at me like that!"

Pepper snapped.

"Sir," Said Jarvis, "Miss Pots is obviously angry with you so you should go com-"

"Shut up Jarvis! Peppers' mad at me and I don't know what to do!" Tony said.

Mister Stark decided to go for a fly in his iron man suite to clear his old noggin, or as the French say, noodle.

"Zoom!" Off he went, jetting into the night sky. He gave high-fives to Neo and Thor as they passed.

After a little while longer, Tony swooped down and landed on the Stark towers balcony, carrying some I'm sorry candies and wine.

"Huh? Wheres Peppa?"Tony said pitifully.

"Shes left on a trip to H-" Jarvis said.

"Shut up Jarvis! I don't know where Pepper went!"

Tony dropped the I'm sorry gifts and tried to call her on his phone.

"Pepper whats my password?...Oh yeah..." Tony said.

"Sir, if I may," Jarvis said "Your password is STA-"

"SHUT UP!" Tony said, and took out a small remote an deactivated Jarvis.

"Now I'm..._all alone!" _Tony said. He curled up in a tiny ball and started to weep.

**next chapter: FOOD AND FIRES**

**~Reindeer**


	2. Food and Fires

When Tony finally stopped throwing a fit, he realized how hungry he was. He couldn't find his keys, so no fast food. He wandered over to the kitchen.

"How does she work this thing?" Tony said to himself, as he looked at the oven. He opened the fridge and took out an egg.

"LET'S GET SCRAMBLING BABY!" Stark said. He cracked the egg on the stove and turned up the heat. The egg melted and spilled off the stove and onto the floor.

"Not enough heat." Tony said.

Tony walked over to the window, and tore down the the the curtains. He tossed them onto the stove. They burst into flames!

"I know what will help!" Tony said. He ran down the many flights of stairs, to the garage. He ran past his many multicolored sports cars, to a small can marked, GAS.

Up, up, up he went! When he got back, the whole kitchen was in flames.

"Uh-oh..." Stark jumped out the window, shattering the glass into one million different pieces.

Being on the top floor, Mister Stark needed some assistance from his suit. When he landed on the ground in his trademarked pose, several firetrucks had already arrived.

"Save my tower!" Stark said to them, as if he were talking about his child. But alas, the firetrucks only could save one cardboard box.

Tony looked inside the box and saw wires and cords and lots of complicated computers. The remains of Jarvis.

"You should have listened to me!" The remains of Jarvis said.

"Nobody cares about _you _Jarvis," Tony said as he dumped the remains of Jarvis on the street,  
>"Their all to busy caring about <em>me!"<em>

"**MaiWishes** cares about me!" The remains of J retorted.

"Shut up!" All of a sudden a bus drove by and ran The remains of Jarvis over.

Tony set his box up by the enormous pile of ash, and crawled in.

"Now I'm, all alone!" Tony wailed.

**Next chapter: Boxes and Begging**

** ~ Reindeer**


	3. Boxes and Begging

** No homeless people were harmed in the writing of this chapter.**

Now, Tony Stark, was not used to sleeping in a cold damp box. He was used to resting his rich, rich, head on a peacock feather stuffed pillow and mattress! So that night, Tony curled up...and didn't sleep at all. He tried counting the cigarette butts, he tried drinking a warm puddle, nothing worked. When sleep finally overcame Tony...it was a daydream. Except it was the middle of the night...so...a night dream? But no sleep.

When Mr. Sun came out and smiled at Tony, he didn't smile back.

Tony walked down a dark ally, seeking advice. He wandered up to a wooden box.

"Oooooh! Wooden!" Tony said, admiring the latest model.

"Huh? Who are you?" A deep voice asked.

Tony, not wanting anyone to know Tony Stark was homeless, responded as quick as he could. "Uh...Stump-Smash!" Tony said, remembering his favorite skylander.

"Okay Stump! I am Robert Bert Bob." Said Robert Bert Bob, "But you can call me Bert!" said _Bert. Everybody's_ a critic now days.

"Nice box!" Stump said.

"Look over their! Er, _there! _Your welcome **ammyDOS101**!" _Bert _said.

Stump did exactly that. What he saw, was a bunch of homeless people lined up in their boxes. But most of the boxes were made out of brick and metal!

"_fan_-cy!" Stump remarked.

"Yep. I've only got a 4th class box!" _Bert _said.

"How do you sleep at night?" Stump asked.

"What, knowin' that I don't have a home or family?" _Bert _responded.

"No, no!" Stump said, "_literally, _how do you sleep at night?"

"Oh! Well, after a long day of work, I'm usually tuckered out." _Bert _responded.

"Whats your job?"

"I just hold out a cup, and ask for change."

"..."

"Did ya think I was a fashion model?!"

"No!"

"Get outa here!"

"I'm going!"

Taking _Bert's _advice into consideration, Tony walked back to his last class box. But, the cupless man that Stark was, he could not beg.

"That's it! Spare cups? Spare cups?" Sure enough, Tony's genus idea worked! I guess only billionaire gets crossed off.

A creepy looking dude with a huge multi colored scarf, tossed down a dented metal cup.

When Tony peered inside the cup, he saw a coupon!

"One free dentist check up! Cool!"

**NEXT CHAPTER: DENTISTS AND DENIAL**

** ~Reindeer**


	4. Dentists and Denial

**Hello people! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'll try to make this chapter extra funny!**

**~ Reindeer. Oh! Also! If you understood who the dude who gave Tony the cup in the last chapter was, then your awesome! tell me who you think he was in the reviews.**

Tony thankfully still had his Iron Man suit, so he got inside.

"Jarvis! Take me to 'Extra nice super friendly awesome dentists'" Tony said, reading where the coupon told him to go.

Since Tony only killed Jarvis's house form, the Jarvis inside of the Iron Man suit, was still working.

"Okay." Jarvis agreed, "TIME FOR REVENGE, STARK!"

"How is helping me getting back at me?" Stark questioned, "I don't really get it..."

"You'll see..." Jarvis said, flying Tony in the opposite direction of, "Extra nice super friendly awesome dentists".

"But I don't think I will see 'cause your doing me a favor you know, and that's nice. So I thi-"

"SHUT UP!"

When they finally arrived at "Extra nice super friendly awesome dentists", it wasn't "Extra nice super friendly awesome dentists" at all! Jarvis had actually flown Tony to, "Extra mean super _not _friendly horrible place where we pull your teeth out even if we don't have to!"!

Tony, being the rude brute he is, didn't even bother to say thank-you to Jarvis, or give him a computer chippy to snack on as a reward for taking him to the dentists. Stark just pranced on in to the jet black skyscraper.

_But, _even though he was a mean brute, Tony did _not _deserve the treatment he would receive inside of the hell equivalent, that was "Extra mean super _not _friendly horrible place where we pull your teeth out even if we don't have to!"!

As Tony walked in the threatening looking building, he saw a normal looking waiting room, where a normal looking woman welcomed him to "Extra mean super _not _friendly horrible place where we pull teeth out even if we don't have to".

It was just then Tony realized he was in the wrong building! But it was to late!

The floor melted beneath him and he fell into a small dark room.

All of a sudden bright lights flashed, and Tony saw hundreds of people watching and laughing at him, from the other side of the bars that kept him from leaving! TONY WAS IN A ZOOOOOO! AND HE WAS THE ANIMAL!

"Feedin' time!" said a lady that walked into Stark's enclosure, and handed him a bananana.

"Meh." said Tony, taking a large bite out of the bannananana.

"SO... this form of torture isn't working on you." Boomed a very familiar voice.

"Bert?" Said Stump. *Seechapterthree** ***

"STUMP! My my old pal! How you been?" said Bert.

"Fine!" said Stump.

"Wait one sec!" said Bert.

All of a sudden Bert appeared in front of Stump!

"What?! How?" Stump had no idea how Bert had appeared in front of him.

"MAGIC!" Bert said with a little _to _much enthusiasm.

"I _hate _magic!" Said Stump, chucking his bannananaananana at Bert.

"Right now, in this zoo, I, Bert the shape-shifting master of hobo's, unleashed an unspeakable evil! But a foolish homeless skylander wielding a yummy looking bannananana flopped forth to oppose me [bannnananans clanging] before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time and flung him into the future, where Jarvis's evil is law, now the fool seeks to return to the past, and undo the future that is Bert!" After saying that long and probably trademarked sentence, Bert tore open a portal in time and chucked Stump in it!

Next chapter:

WHAT!? HOW...WHAT!?


	5. Dear Guest

Dear "**Guest**"

I can't PM you, because you were logged on as a Guest, but I really wanted to talk to you, so I am including this as a chapter in my story.

You wrote a review on my story saying "Ok a kid wrote this right? What kind of s**t is this"

I just wanted to say thank you for this really nice review, it means a lot to me when one of my _big _fans takes the time to write a kind review.

This review just really made my day! :)

So thank you so much again, I really do appreciate it!

Big smiles, _LOVE_ Reindeer! ;D


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